Author Archive

You’d Better Not Be Feeling Sorry For Me!

Saturday, April 02nd, 2011 | Author: Lord Voldemort

As these pathetic, powerless muggles are harrassing me through emails to “stop this invasion” business, one of them by the name of Thio (rediculous name!) asked me: “What the heck is wrong with you! What do you gotta be so heartless! Why do you not show any compassion, understanding or even love?! Give me my website back! I paid for that thing with my mother’s credit card!”

As this four-eyed muggle was whining and complaining, causing extreme pain in my temples, I began to ponder his question…What is wrong with me? Why can I not love? I will answer this question honestly: I can!

Yes, I know, shocking isn’t it? Everyone walks about spreading rumors of my inability to love, and I find it rude and even hurtful at times. The answer is that I “choose” not to love. To love means to take precious time out of my day to actually care for someone! Who wants to do this? Can they not care for themselves? Is it really that difficult?

Many of my Death-Eaters have to tried to sit down and talk to me about my issues with love. They call it a “heart-to-heart moment”. I call it “Death-Eaters lying dead on the floor!” No one can seem to reach me on ridiculous topic. This is why I am going to tell you all a story of why I choose not to love. A story that fills me with so much emotion, that those few who have heard it have ended up in a coffin . . .

The weather was gorgeous on this mid-afternoon. I, a rather handsome Hogwarts freshman, was sitting along the beach of the black lake, gazing out at the newly built dock on which beautiful 11 year-old Alice stood.

She was standing with a few of her friends, laughing and chattering. I gazed in awe at her golden hair, which seemed to shine heavenly in the sunlight. I was very smitten with her beautiful, piercing blue eyes that scanned the surface of the lake with such intrigue. I had never felt this way for a woman in my entire life. I needed to talk to her, for I had not done so up to this point.

After sneaking a quick glance at myself in my pocket-mirror to make sure I was as dashing as ever, I gathered enough courage to meander down to the dock and converse with the lovely Alice for the very first time.

We both met with eyes of interest. I could obviously tell that she was falling deeply in love with me, and her friends seemed to be out of breath with excitement. Her and I chatted about the lake and how excellent the new dock, of which we were both standing on, had been. I felt as if I was the headmaster of Hogwarts. I was on fire with this woman.

It was then that Alice flipped her golden locks and asked me if I wanted to go for a swim. She gazed deeply into my eyes, and I was overcome with so many emotions. Oh how I longed to swim with her so much, that I lunged at her and thrust her into the lake, robes and all!

She let out a terrified scream, and her friends all screamed as well. Immediately I realized just how much of a fool I’d made of myself. She, now drenched in the lake, glared at me with sudden, unexpected cold eyes. This once angelic girl now resembled that of a wet poodle.

To make matters worse, I noticed an enormous arm of the giant squid slowly creeping up and out of the water behind dear Alice. Before anyone could say a word, the squid had wrapped itself around Alice and was now carrying across the lake, away fom the dock, away from us, away from me. The only thing I could do was listen to her frantic screaming become quieter the farther she went, and watch those ever-shrinking blue eyes bulge panic-stricken from her skull . . .

Alice, of course, was rescued by a few professors, and spent a couple of days in the hospital wing afterward. But the next time I saw Alice, I was met with a harsh slap across the face, painting vivid stars before my eyes. I was awfully embarrassed by the entire situation. And it was at that moment, as those stars faded, that I had made my decision. I would never love again. I would never give in. Love was for fools and that was all.

I fashioned myself a new, more cruel personality. I also began to collect some close followers, forming the official “Love is For Losers” club at Hogwarts. (That of which was frowned upon by many professors).

And with that being said, I leave you all with one question: Who needs love when you’re the most powerful wizard in the world?

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Friday, April 01st, 2011 | Author: Lord Voldemort


Beware of this man!

He may say that he is me! He is not! Do not be so quick to believe those who pose as myself. They are “wanna be’s”.

They will never be as powerful, or as evil as I am. End of story.

Thank you.

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A Final Open Letter from Voldy…

Friday, April 01st, 2011 | Author: Lord Voldemort

Dear Joanne ‘fake middle name’ Rowling,

I’ve finally arrived at my purpose, and it is to bring several utterances of yours into question. While conducting some routine research, I’ve come across a few choice words you’ve used to describe me over the years. Seamstress of vocabulary, you are! Despite lacking all of what a dark wizard would desire in a woman, you do manage to employ temerity! An audacious muggle, you are, and I quote:

“Voldemort as “a raging psychopath, devoid of the normal human responses to other people’s suffering,” and Wormtail as somone “who out of cowardice will stand in the shadow of the strongest person.”

Okay, what?! Why is being devoid of ‘normal human responses’ such a terrible thing?  However, you are absolutely correct about Wormtail. Git. Now onto more treasures I’ve uncovered. You say this -

“We really are talking about someone who is incredibly power hungry. Racist, really. And what do those kinds of people do? They treat human life so lightly. I wanted to be accurate in that sense. My editor was shocked by the way the character was killed, which was very dismissive. That was entirely deliberate.”

Why are you making an issue out of nothing? How do you say it — ‘drama queen’. Yes, that is what you are. What is the big deal? At least I made use of these lives. Hello – Inferi! Totally functional. And about the power hungry accusation. Do we not live in a democracy? It’s all about the individual – personal gain and progress, no? Let me add a final thought – I’m charging you with murder. You just admitted (on the Internet) that you deliberately killed me. Not intelligent.

Ill Regards,

Tom (I’m embracing it).

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Friday, April 01st, 2011 | Author: Lord Voldemort

This is exactly what I needed to lift my (empty) spirits – taking over this website has really made me feel in control. I just wish I knew what a “blog” was… Hmm. I will find a way to broadcast to my loyal Death Eaters only!

I must find a way to return to power! The Potter boy saw the truth, he saw right through everything. How could I possibly have been so stupid? The Elder wand….I thought I had everything figured out. And now look what I had become! I was reduced to nothing again, defeated an 8th time by a boy. Just a boy!

But now…I am growing. With the help of what faithful servants I have left, I will return to power. Taking over this website is my first step. This is not the end of Lord Voldemort! I will return to power and those who fought me will be ever so sorry.

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A Flash of my Past…

Friday, April 01st, 2011 | Author: Lord Voldemort

I thought I would enlighten you with a bit of my personal journal from long long ago. Viewers, this is a never before seen look at my past…

August 13, 1953

I killed my father today. Boy it was fun! All those years of holding all that emotion in was finally released in one swift flick of my wrist. That punk of a father gave my mother and I so much grief that I had to do it. Killing my grandparents made it all the better. The muggle slime deserved it. I kind of feel bad for my uncle, Morfin, though for taking the blame, but he was weak and I was far stronger. Have a nice time in Azkaban!

I found my grandfathers ring in his home and was intrigued. It appeared in my dream. The dream was weird. I started playing with it for a minute by spinning it on the table and then I saw my mother pop out like a ghost. It scared me and the dream ended with me falling over. I woke up on the floor. Weird dream.

I made the ring into a horcrux. It wasn’t anything of value, it wasn’t special. Just a sign of the pure blood in me.

I wonder if I can make more Horcruxes, for I have only read of someone making one. I need to ask an experienced person. I can’t ask Dumbledore. I know! When I go to school next term I will trick Old Sluggy into telling me.


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Continued Open Letter to a certain Mistress of the Mundane (aka J.K. Rowling)

Friday, April 01st, 2011 | Author: Lord Voldemort

Good Evening,

Psychotic rage aside, I’ve been extremely antsy while lodged in the pages of your novels (pages that make my memory immortal – a major oversight on your behalf). Therefore, I’ve taken to surfing the net. I’ve managed to connect my literary memory with a fandom-based memory (think ‘me’ circa diary days), and viola! I’m online. And because my slick genius knows no boundaries, I’ve succeeded in hijacking the Potter Pensieve Podcast website (my current venue of evil). Not to insult, but it is completely amateur. Their photos don’t move an inch, and they speak of a Muggle-crafted ‘wizarding world’ located somewhere in the United States. Could our world be mocked further? Do the Salem Hags have a hand in such filth? It leaves a rotten taste in my mouth (which I rather of enjoy, actually, because I appreciate anything rank or putrid, but that is beside the point, and I do have one).



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The Lord Who Rocked

Friday, April 01st, 2011 | Author: Lord Voldemort

Dear Voldy Pensieve fans,

After successfully managing to pry control over the Potter Pensieve Podcast site out of the hands of some unworthy muggles, my plans for a highly anticipated comeback are well afoot.

So my body has been destroyed a second time by that annoying twerp Harry Potter, big deal… Was I dead? Was I truly gone? Not so, my friend! L-Vo is always prepared for the very worst. My horcruxes having proved effective against mortal death, I had long ago decided to conceal yet another fraction of my soul in a treasured personal item. Yes, I know what you’re gonna say… “Danger! Unstable Soul! Blah blah blah…”. Seriously, at that point, one bit of soul more or less was the least of my worries. Anyways, the horcrux is in a safe place where it will never be found! I mean, who would ever think of looking for it in the CD collection I left back at Malfoy’s place? That’s right, I turned Black Sabbath’s “Paranoid” into a horcrux.

Ozzy, now a good pal of mine, and the gang were what really got me into the whole rock’n’roll scene. Back then, I used to attend every gig, even took to following the band around when they were on tour. I remember staring up at the stage with stars in my eyes, knowing that someday… I would be up there! Things weren’t easy at first. I had to get myself a band of course, and out of my Death Eaters-to-be posse, only Nott and Lestrange had any semblance of musical talent, with Nott always failing to show up on time for rehearsals in the Room of ROCKuirement. (Hehe, see what I did there?) It was only when my good old friend Lucius joined up that things really took off. He had the stage presence of a true rock star. And the hair! Oh, how we made the stages of Great-Britain tremble! Believe me, there’s nothing like the feeling of singing your heart out before an audience of 600, except maybe that of exterminating them all after the encore.

Initially known as Tom “Marlboro” Riddle (yes, I used to smoke a lot…), I decided then that I needed to forge myself a new name, a name witches and wizards everywhere would one day rock out to! I suffered many a headache in my frantic search for an anagram that did not sound completely idiotic. Unfortunately, once I chose evil as a career, the beautiful new name I had crafted for myself never really caught on. People stubbornly chose not to speak it, just to spite me, I’m sure.

Ultimately, and despite my love for the rock’n’roll lifestyle, I knew that I had to think about the greater good and chose to wipe out the muggle race instead of playing sold out shows. It just goes to show, everyone makes mistakes. But now my comeback is imminent. If only my faithful Death Eaters were not all dead or locked up… As soon as I get my body back, I’ll pick up the good old six-strings and contact DFTBA records. But like I said, I’m gonna need some help here first. I think I might give Ozzy a call…


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An Open Letter to J.K. Rowling – From Lord Voldemort

Friday, April 01st, 2011 | Author: Lord Voldemort

Dear ‘Jo’ (Is this what they’re calling you? How affectionate):

Thanks for nothing! All that is left of me is a wailing anti-baby, bereft of relevance. Floating around in a wisp of ficticous purgatory has been downright humiliating! Here I dwell in the memories of your ridiculous readers – seemingly benign, somewhat unattended. Foolery! Insolence! Mudblooded mugglery!

I need to lie down and whimper in creepy tones.

Reluctantly Yours,


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Lord Voldemort Has Arrived!

Friday, April 01st, 2011 | Author: Lord Voldemort

Good day my faithful followers! I am Lord Voldemort. You may have all heard my name before! I am thrilled to have taken over the Potter Pensieve Website in a flurry of spite and hatred for muggle technology! Also, PPP’s security was a bit slack, so it was fairly easy for me to hack into this thing. These podcast hosts don’t seem to have a clue about running a website! And now I have to deal with constant emails filled with capital letters. Hollie: we know that you can scream your head off! Stop already before before my noseless head explodes!

Just so you know, I will be using the Potter Pensieve Website, now appropriately titled the Voldy Pensieve, as a kind of personal diary and collection of some of my writings! Death-Eaters, these posts are personal, I’ve blocked each of your IP addresses!

Although, this computer business is new to me, and I’m still working out the kinks to this software, I am a fast-learner. Trust me.

Without further ado…let my cyber-wrath begin!!

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